When you’re expecting the worst.

This past weekend, several major cities and numerous towns and farms were anticipating one of the worst hurricanes to hit the eastern seaboard of the U.S. in years, Hurricane Irene.  Watching the news was a sobering session as each city had officials on stating how they would prepare.  Even in New York, the unprecedented action of ordering  evacuations for low lying areas
was heard as Mayor Bloomberg stressed the word “mandatory” and urged immediate compliance.  Without having lived through anything like a world war, this probably came the closest in my mind to what it might feel like to be under attack and have to respond accordingly.

So what do you do when you know the worst is coming?  We are not talking about being pessimistic, we are simply acknowledging that it is only a matter of time before you will face something you dread.  What are somethings you need to do?

First and most obvious, you prepare for the worst, even if it does not come.  You do whatever you can in advance to cope with the situation as you expect it to unfold.  Having the opportunity to prepare is a luxury in the sense that whatever is coming is not taking you by complete surprise.  In the recent past tsunamis and earthquakes have come upon places affording little or no time for people to prepare.  The same is true of being in an accident.  On the other hand, if we know something is coming, the best thing we can do is prepare.  The danger here is the paralysis of fear, or the feeling that there is nothing one can do to avoid this.  The truth is, the more we can get ourselves ready for the inevitable disaster, the better we will be able to cope.

Second, don’t accept superficial hope.  Some simply say, “This cannot possibly happen to me,” expecting the best instead of the worst.  Neither optimism nor pessimism is the answer here.  Wishful thinking is naïve at best and unrealistically foolish in the face of oncoming difficulties.  Don’t buy into hope that is not hope, even if it makes you feel like you have some measure of control

Third, aim for the big picture.  In the midst of expecting the worst, realize there may be hope beyond what is to come.  Of course this depends on what is coming our way, but if it is not life-threatening, then the best plan is enduring or persevering, and picking up after the storm has passed.   I realize big-picture thinking is hard in the midst of an oncoming terror which tends to consume our focus and energy.  However, keeping the big picture in mind may give us the resolve to endure, and aid our preparation for the event.

Ah, so easy to write about, so hard to face.  Whatever you are facing that seems to scream, “This will be bad!” you can take steps to face it.

Ask the question: What do I expect?  Why do I expect it to be so bad?  What can I do to prepare, to endure, to survive, to carry on?  Then, walk forward.

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

Jack expected to win.

This week we mourn the passing of Jack Layton, the leader of the New Democratic Party.  Though I have followed his career for decades in both Toronto and national politics, I believe I have read more insightful writing about his life and career this week since his passing.  With great sensitivity and eloquence, some of our best Canadian political pundits have commented on his career.  It has been insightful to sit back and drink in the analysis of his political longevity.   One fellow Toronto politician mentioned that Jack Layton never worked from the position of power.  He was always the underdog, in the minority, the ordinary man seeking to change what he saw as unjust to better his constituents, if not all Torontonians or Canadians.

My take on Jack?  After all I have read and listened to this week, I sum it up this way: “Jack expected to win.”  I vividly remember him campaigning furiously in the last election, seeking to shore up sure seats and invade new territory where he sensed there was opportunity to win a seat over from the incumbent.  Such was certainly the case in Quebec, where the Bloc Quebecois fell, and the NDP became the first national party to hold a majority of the seats since the ruling Conservatives in the 1980’s.  When questioned whether he thought they could improve their number of seats in Parliament, he seemed to chuckle to himself as he jovially responded, “Do better?  My friend, we can win this thing!”

Jack expected to win.  Why?  Because he did the work to make it happen.  I read this week of his work to build of a strong team for the campaign, a team that stuck with him for each of his campaigns through the decade and improved each time until this breakthrough came.  A team he forged to win.  His desire to win wasn’t based on wishful thinking, or idle dreams.  He worked hard, he worked smart and he expected to do the very best he and his team could do.  He was not surprised as the pollsters were who miscalled the numbers (see my blog of June 11, “Reflections of a humbled pollster”).  He expected to win.

Now as we reflect on his passing,  and some have mistakenly applied this thinking to his health, and say he “lost his fight to cancer”.  I am troubled by that terminology, which depicts this dreadful illness as something we can fight and win.  For helpful thoughts on this, I refer you to Carly Weeks’ excellent article in the Globe and Mail, “Jack Layton Didn’t Lose a Fight: He Died of Cancer”  http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/cancer/jack-layton-didnt-lose-a-fight-he-died-of-cancer/article2137736/.

When I say Jack expected to win, I mean he worked very hard to do his very best, and he expected the results to come.  I pay tribute to Jack Layton as a man of conviction, of passion and care for ordinary people and the country he loved.  I think back to the night he became the first NDP Leader of the Opposition, and remember him.  Yes, he expected to win, and he finally did!

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

Expect others to do what’s best for them.

“Hey, what about me?”  Good question – what about you?

What is at the root of much of our disappointments?  Very simply, it is the unrealistic notion that others will do what is best for us, not for themselves.  Somewhere along the line we have bought into the idea that other people are just looking for ways to make our lives easier, better, richer, happier.  Some currently use the term “entitlement” to point to those who believe they are owed something, or deserve something, just for being them.

As I counsel, coach and chat with people, I observe that the root of much disappointment is the unhealthy belief that others should always do what is best for them.  They are hurt when their spouse wants to do what is best for himself or herself, not for them.  They are shocked when they are let go at work, as the company says the bottom line is more important than their welfare.  And they are incredulous at the idea that other parties at every level of government believe they may have a better answer for running their city, province or the country.

Where did this notion come from?  Perhaps we can attribute it to the ad world.(Watch Mad men reruns to see how Madison  Avenue built a culture of focusing on the individual.  Then watch the fallout in Don Draper’s life.)  Or we can say this is how we were raised at home or in our social setting.  We may even say it is inherent in us. The true nature of sin is to say, “Me first!”  Whatever the cause, it resides in all of us, the expectation that others want the best for me.

The good news is, some do.  The virtues of kindness, of mercy, of forgiveness, are examples of others saying, “Yes, I do want the best for you.”  Behind this is the idea of self-sacrifice, of giving up one’s rights for another.  A beautiful expression of love and generosity.  Not because one has to or is forced to, but because one wants to do it.  “Here, let me help you.  Let me get that for you.  Let me do that.”

This kind of treatment by others should be welcomed, enjoyed and treated with true gratitude.  But not expected.  To expect others to treat you better than them is simply to say “I deserve the best, at your expense.”  But I don’t deserve that.  So I don’t expect it, and thus I am not disappointed when it is not offered.  When it is offered, I give thanks, and enjoy!

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

What’s in your thought balloons?

I grew up wanting to draw comics for a living.  I couldn’t imagine anything more fun than sitting at my drafting table drawing cartoons, putting my thoughts in their heads and my words in their mouths, and getting paid for it.  Well, we can see that didn’t work out!  There were some mid-course changes in my life that led me first to book design, then into pastoral ministry.  But my love for comics and cartoons never diminished, even if that never became my career.

One thing I love about comics is we can see what people are really thinking  through the use of thought balloons.  No matter what the characters are saying, we can get to the truth because the cartoonist gives us the insight through their use of thought balloons.

© Six Chix

I often wish we could see the thought balloons people have – not to invade their privacy or discover their secrets – but to get clarity of what others are really thinking.  This is certainly true when it comes to clarifying our expectations and moving toward synthesis, or mutual agreement.  As both of us vocalize our expectations, we may think we are saying the same thing, only to discover farther down the line our similar language carried two different sets of meaning, and our agreement wasn’t as clear as we intended.

Recently I have sat in as a moderator for three groups who were working toward some form of agreement.  These were all fine people, with the best of intentions and motives, yet it became clear their expectations were  different.  Previous conversations had left these groups thinking they were on the same page, but when one of the groups began acting upon the agreement they believed was in place, it quickly became clear there was not real agreement at all.  Hence the need for this multi-group discussion which served to clear the air and clarify where the confusion began.

In the world of comic strips we have the benefit of the thought balloons so we, the readers, can see what others are really thinking.  In real life, we have to do it without the benefit of our thought balloons.  No wonder I wanted to be cartoonist!

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

Clarify your expectations up front

In his blog today, Michael Hyatt, chair of Thomas Nelson Publishers, shares “What I learned about leadership from a fight with my wife”  (http://michaelhyatt.com/what-i-learned-about-leadership-from-a-fight-with-my-wife.html).  I love a person who can take the difficult times in life and draw out the positive life lessons from them.  Hyatt is very good at that, as I saw again today.  And I was not surprised to see his first lesson dealt with expectations.  Here it is:

Clarify our expectations up front. Most conflicts are born out of a misalignment of expectations. In this particular argument, I had a set of unexpressed expectations that Gail failed to meet. If we had discussed them before the day began, we would have likely avoided the problem altogether. But, she didn’t know, because I hadn’t bothered to articulate them.

Yes, Michael got that right.  The root of so many conflicts is the simple lack of understanding one another’s expectations.  So easy to assume they know what I expect, or I know what they expect.  Or that what the other person expects doesn’t matter, anyway.   Let’s be honest, we usually don’t even stop to think about what the expectations are.  Then, when we are in an argument, with the
tension building and our voices rising decibel by decibel, we don’t stop and say, “Whoa, what do you expect, anyway?”   That’s why we have to build that question into our thinking, and ask it before, during and after every activity.

Expectations are not an afterthought.  If they are, it’s too little, too late.  “What do I/you/we expect is the question we need to ask.”  Thanks for sharing your story, Michael, and the lesson we can all learn from it.

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

What do we truly value?

The exercise of discovering our values is one of good intentions.   It is meant to help individuals, teams, corporations and even churches and faith communities clarify what is truly important to them.  The hope is usually that this clarification will keep the organization or individual on track, doing what really matters.  It is also meant to help in the enlistment of others to the vision, as they identify with these values, seeing them as similar to their own.

While I do not question the necessity of recognizing our values, I do wonder if we get to the “core” of these so-called core values, with an honest appraisal of what is valued most.  The reason I ask is because, time and time again, I see lists of noble values that we may all affirm (honesty, integrity, tolerance, customer satisfaction, glorifying God, etc.), yet I do not see what is the real driving force behind those values.  I question how open we really want to be about our values.  I confess my own apprehension in digging that deep.  Do I want to admit my values may well be things like: “needing to be liked”; “getting my own way”; “doing as little as possible and getting paid as much as possible for it”?  I’m not saying those are my values (and I’m not saying they aren’t).  I am saying that they may come much closer to the truth than I, or anyone else, might like to admit.

I have observed those who say they value “teamwork”, but their actions reveal otherwise.  What I see looks more like the value of expediency, of getting something done quickly, regardless of whether it is fair, right, or wise in the long term.  I have seen those who say they value a “family environment”, yet operate in a secretive way to further their ends.  I am not saying each of these individuals or groups do not have the best of intentions, or at least believe they do.  I simply call attention to the true value that may never be admitted, but is operating  nonetheless.

What may be missed is the vital connection between expectations and values. I believe realizing  my expectations is the best way to discern what my values are.  My expectations reveal my true values.  When I realize what I expect, I expose the source of the expectation.  If I expect others to follow me, what does that say about my value of servant leadership?  It certainly does not negate it, but it does mean I need to explore my real reasons for expecting people to line up behind me.  That may be telling.  It may also help me clarify my true values of leadership.

How honest are we being with our values?  Want to find out?  Begin with your expectations.  You may be surprised.

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

How clear are we?

The funniest person I’ve ever known is Harold.  He was a classmate from grade school through high school.   I have heard some funny people described as being able to read a phone book and make you laugh.  Well, Harold actually did that when we were bored!  I enjoyed his humour  immensely.  He could make anyone’s name sound hilarious.  We lost track of one another after high school, but I have some good memories, as you can tell.

One distinct memory was when he and I did a skit together for an English class. It was about an old couple who didn’t hear one anotherwell.  The confusion over the misunderstanding just got funnier and funnier. I don’t remember the particulars
or the punchlines, but the class was roaring.  Harold wrote the bulk of that, and my job was to deliver my lines straight-faced.  Good luck!

It is funny how I remember such obscure things from my childhood.  That’s just the way my memory works.  I know I have always related that skit to how clear I was trying to be with others.  I suppose there may be some fear in the back of my mind that one day I will be that older gent, thinking I am being clear, but ending up in a ridiculous muddle because I am not clear. Those around me aren’t doing much better.  And it isn’t quite so funny, now.

How clear are you?  A current blogpost from Fast Company has Ken Blanchard and Scott Blanchard asking a vital question: “Do Your People Really Know What You Expect from Them  (http://www.fastcompany.com/1767714/do-your-people-really-know-what-you-expect-from-them).  They point out that “a lack of clear agreements is the basis for all types of discontent.”

They go on to warn that “many times people don’t perform to the level that is expected because either there was never a clear agreement on what the expectations were, or those expectations have become unclear over time.”  Blanchard and Blanchard are right on the mark.  Job performance is directly connected to clear expectations, and those expectations must be agreed upon, as
well as clarified when they begin to dim over time.  I urge you to read their whole article, it is excellent.

It may be funny to see two folks who are misunderstandingone another in a comedy skit, but it is not going to be funny if it happens in our work environment, our home or in a special relationship.  Being clear with you is my responsibility.  Your clarity with me is your responsibility.  If we are going to end up laughing for the right reasons, it will be because we have learned to be
as clear as possible about our expectations.

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press  (www.scarletcordpress.com).

Do we have to be so formal?

I am not known for my spontaneity.  (I can hear some snickering as they read that!) At a recent meeting I mentioned something to the effect of being “rather anal”, and a co-worker mocked with a humorous, “Oh, really,” at that point.  Over the years my wife has done a good job in helping me to loosen up and become a little more relaxed and easy going, to learn to “go with the flow”.  I appreciate those who are comfortable in their casual approach to things, while recognizing that I seem to be wired for formality in the way I come at it.  My sense is that all of us are coming from one approach or the other, and can learn from others in either loosening up or tightening up a little.

One area I am glad I am comfortable with formality is that of following process.   Being “process-oriented” has helped me in my work, keeping me from making errors which require follow-up and correction.  Currently I am in the process of completing a job as an interim pastor of a church, and one of my principle tasks was helping those involved in a search for a new pastor follow a good, clear process to find the right person for the task.  This included defining and clarifying the process itself, then informing all involved in the church community about the process, and finally, carrying it out.  While the important thing on everyone’s mind is “the product”, in this case, the new leader, my concern was also for the process.  Do it well, and get to the best possible result.  It may not be everyone’s idea of an important matter, and certainly, compared with the finished product, the process is never going to be the focal point.

But process does matter, and here’s why:

• Process matters because it is the only way to keep all parties on the same page as we work toward a conclusion.  Without following process, there is a tendency for people to go off on tangents, or in wrong directions, or to simply disengage, because they really don’t know where they are, or where they are supposed to be.
• Process matters because it gives everyone fair rules to play by.  This is, of course, more easily observable in sports, where the rules tells the players what the boundaries are (time, court size, number of players, what they can and cannot do to one another, etc.)  The same kinds of rules are observable in government settings, where guidelines are set and the Speaker of the House monitors the participants in their interactions.  In business meetings, many use Robert’s Rules of Order, which, even if only in a modified or relaxed application, still can bring a  helpful framework to the meeting to keep those participating on track.
• Process matters because it focuses on the objective (what you are trying to do) and the goal (what you hope to achieve) and lays tracks to get you there. The process of electing a leader (prime minister, mayor, whatever), of building a subway line, of cooking an omelet – each of these, and thousands more, are codified in some way for us so we get where we need to go and enjoy the result.  Process of some form, in each of these cases and many more like them, is necessary.

From an expectations standpoint, process is invaluable.  To ignore process and just “fly-by-the-seat-of our-pants” is to create havoc and confusion, and creates an uneven playing field.  Where we see indifference to process, or ignorance of process, or even disregard of process, we find at least one party seeking to do things “my way”, no matter what the stated process is.  This leaves other players out of the loop.  This forces some to fly blind, to have to guess what is next, or to crash and burn because they don’t know where they are going or how they were supposed to get there.

I watched the last part of a funeral on television yesterday as the York Regional Police laid to rest one of their finest who was sadly killed in the line of duty.  I was struck, as I watched, by the simple formality of the proceedings.  The marching of the police, the folding of the flag which had draped the coffin, and was presented by the chief to the constable’s widow, the orderly progression of the speakers and remembrances.  Everything was perfectly laid out so that the real message was not obscured, but fully felt and embraced, the mourning of the loss of a husband a father, and a policeman.  It all followed a very formal process.  The important matter wasn’t the process, but honouring the fallen officer and his family, and grieving as a community the senseless death of a precious protector. But the process was still there nonetheless, giving order to the day, giving direction to the participants, giving comfort to those who understood what was happening and why it was happening this way.

Process matters.  Understand that, work with that, and expectations will flow in a far more natural and comfortable way.

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

Why expectations wear you down

Before he was a prolific writer of all things leadership, John Maxwell produced a monthly tape (cassette) series called the “Injoy Life Club” where we were allowed to listen into his weekly staff training. Maxwell used a combination of biblical teaching, common sense wisdom, business methodologies along with a healthy sprinkling of humour to help his staff at Skyline Wesleyan Church in San Diego learn the art of leadership.

One lesson that has stuck with me is a lesson he titled, “It’s the Grind that Get’s ‘em”. In that talk he related the many areas of pastoral and leadership life that were guaranteed to grind them down if not addressed. This was part of my formative thinking on expectations back in the late ‘80’s, and a lesson I desperately needed since “the grind” was, at that time, certainly getting me!

Why do expectations wear us down? Taken individually, the expectations of others may be quite manageable. Beyond that, how we filter them and adopt them as our own is a large factor, as well. Yet, as expectations multiply from a variety of sources (personal, family, congregation, community, etc.) and intensify (many projects due at once, a time of evaluation coming up, the sense that things aren’t going as planned), the grind is sure to be felt. What leader is not wearied from the complexity of expectations being juggled? Drop one ball, and the rest may surely follow. The grind – it gets you.

Is there an answer to the grind? The juggling analogy is a good one, as it reminds us that leaders often do have to keep several balls afloat, and one more may be added that strains us to the limit. The answer: Slow down and clarify what is expected. Is all of this necessary? Is it realistic? Do I/we have to do this – right now? Why? Whose expectation is that?

In my experience, I remember beginning two major projects at once. As I reflect back on that time, I realize that one strong reason for doing that was seeking to please or appease certain people who expected these things done now. That is not to in any way blame them or absolve my own part in the poor timing. I was allowing the pressure of the expectations of others to rule better judgment. Ultimately both projects faltered, partly (but not totally) due to lack of participants to keep them going. So there was a cost to many from my choices. And the grind got to me, as my health worsened, resulting in serious complications necessitating time away from the grind.

Yes, the grind has got me, more times than I care to admit. Worn down? Check the expectations you are dealing with. Slow down before you are thoroughly worn down. Clarify what is realistic, and stick with that. One less ball to juggle might make all the difference.

© Brian F. Reynolds BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).

Stop ‘living up’ to expectations of others.

Who coined the phrase: “living up to expectations”?  It is not a helpful phrase, even if many of us have adopted it into our vocabularies.  Even worse, we seek to adapt our lives to the expectations of others, to “live up” to their expectations.  As if others expectations are higher, and we need to live “up” to them.  Is that true?  Think about it.

Whose expectations are you trying to live up to?  Your spouse’s?  Your parent’s?  Your children’s?  Your family’s? Your employer’s?  Your boss’s?  Your work partner’s? Your coach’s?  The list is endless, isn’t it?  Who has expectations that you are seeking to live up to?  You yourself?

By saying we have to “live up” to expectations, we set ourselves up for some sort of failure.  Here’s the carrot, reach for it.  Here’s the brass ring, grab it.  Here’s the prize, jump for it.  What is it we want?  Approval.  Accept me, approve of me because I have “lived up” to your expectations.  What a relief when I have lived up to other’s expectations.  What a bummer when I have not.

In my careers as an artist and as a pastor, one of my greatest struggles was “living up” to the multiple expectations of others.  Greatly diverse expectations. Often even contradictory expectations.  An author and an editor with different visions for the book cover and design – so whose expectations do I live up to?  Two different groups in the church with differing agendas for programs or use of budget.  Whose agenda do I live up to?  Who do I please?  Yes, yes, I know, please God, not man.  Except God doesn’t storm out of your office in anger or sulk in sad disappointment, saying, “Brian, gee, you didn’t meet my expectations.”

Fritz Perls, German
psychoanalyst responsible for Gestalt therapy, wrote:

“I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations,
nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.”

Life is not about living up to other’s expectations.  It is about determining what are realistic expectations for me, or for us.  By realizing what my expectations are, and what yours are for me, I can analyze them, to see if they are realistic.  I can adopt them if they are realistic.  Or I can dialogue with you and discover where we need to compromise, and revise the expectations.  We can agree to them, and I can seek to accomplish them.

But we are not to “live up” to anyone’s expectations.  They are not above me, and I do not need to jump for approval.

© Brian F. Reynolds  BFRspace 2011

“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).