“Hey, what about me?” Good question – what about you?
What is at the root of much of our disappointments? Very simply, it is the unrealistic notion that others will do what is best for us, not for themselves. Somewhere along the line we have bought into the idea that other people are just looking for ways to make our lives easier, better, richer, happier. Some currently use the term “entitlement” to point to those who believe they are owed something, or deserve something, just for being them.
As I counsel, coach and chat with people, I observe that the root of much disappointment is the unhealthy belief that others should always do what is best for them. They are hurt when their spouse wants to do what is best for himself or herself, not for them. They are shocked when they are let go at work, as the company says the bottom line is more important than their welfare. And they are incredulous at the idea that other parties at every level of government believe they may have a better answer for running their city, province or the country.
Where did this notion come from? Perhaps we can attribute it to the ad world.(Watch Mad men reruns to see how Madison 
Avenue built a culture of focusing on the individual. Then watch the fallout in Don Draper’s life.) Or we can say this is how we were raised at home or in our social setting. We may even say it is inherent in us. The true nature of sin is to say, “Me first!” Whatever the cause, it resides in all of us, the expectation that others want the best for me.
The good news is, some do. The virtues of kindness, of mercy, of forgiveness, are examples of others saying, “Yes, I do want the best for you.” Behind this is the idea of self-sacrifice, of giving up one’s rights for another. A beautiful expression of love and generosity. Not because one has to or is forced to, but because one wants to do it. “Here, let me help you. Let me get that for you. Let me do that.”
This kind of treatment by others should be welcomed, enjoyed and treated with true gratitude. But not expected. To expect others to treat you better than them is simply to say “I deserve the best, at your expense.” But I don’t deserve that. So I don’t expect it, and thus I am not disappointed when it is not offered. When it is offered, I give thanks, and enjoy!
© Brian F. Reynolds BFRspace 2011
“What do you expect? The question you need to ask!” is now available in paperback for $20 (Can) from Scarlet Cord Press (www.scarletcordpress.com).
I believe you have hit the nail on the head, Brian. I think much disappointment in my own life can be attributed to the unreasonable expectation that the important people in my life will certainly put my interests first. Rather presumptuous and a fail-proof recipe for disappointment.
Yes, Sue, we often come to this understanding after a long held optimism that others might be putting us first. Sometimes they do, often they don’t. A hard lesson that it is unrealistic to expect it. It is a virtuous thing, one I read recently in the Bible in Philippians 2 as a recommended way to treat others. So I’m learning to make it part of my life, without expecting it back in return. Oh, that sure is hard. Thanks for your comment.